Some thoughts over tea

Why can't I be myself? Why can I never truly relax? 

My tea tastes like the earth. The way how it tastes when you bite into a carrot. Fresh. Sweet. That kind of earthiness. It's there. 

What does it even mean to "be myself"? What "am I"? I can't describe you that. But maybe it doesn’t matter. Maybe it matters enough that I can tell what I want from what I don't at any given time. The thing is, I feel like I can't do that either nowadays. 

I think it's because I'm scared of failure. Not always mine - I've mostly been let down by the others in my life. People usually make stupid decisions and they somehow keep frustrating me. To stay away from this is hard - one needs to bond and to trust. It's harder when every attempt at this results in disappointment. 

People never listen nature or each other. They mostly go on shouting matches, until one or some other gives up or loses. I wish they could just taste the earth the way it shows itself.